A Day in the Life of the Dark Magician
by Kawaii Kuroi Mahotsukai
Summary: What can I say? The Dark Magician gives us pathetic mortals a glimpse of his world. Hurray. A teensy bit of shounen-ai, and y current obsession/pairing. Yay.


A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE DARK MAGICIAN  
  
By  
  
Kawaii Kuroi Mahotsukai  
  
Disclaimer: A(A)+B(B)=C(C) That's Pythagoras' Theorem, I think. I'm too tired to remember exactly what it is. But, the reason it's here is to prove a point.  
  
I do not own Pythagoras' Theorem.  
  
Pythagoras' Theorem can be applied to nearly everything.  
  
Yu-Gi-Oh! Is an example of one of the things it cannot be applied to (except in the case of LP calculations in Duel Monsters, and I'm not dredging up an old duel to work it out)  
  
However, it does not matter, because I do not own Pythagoras' Theorem OR Yu-Gi-Oh!  
  
Therefore, there is no reason to sue me, as I have no money.  
  
Quid pro quo.  
  
Warning: Random. VERY random. Also fluffy. Has some shounen-ai, and implied yaoi near the end. (Magician of Black Chaos/Dark Magician, and a hint of implied Yami+Yugi+Yami near the middle)  
  
Fear the Dark Magician's POV. Ready? Go!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"I summon the Dark Magician!"  
  
I opened one eye and yawned, scratching the back of my head and trying to ignore the little voice that was telling me to tell the Pharaoh to fuck off and go back to sleep.   
  
"Do I hafta duel AGAIN?"  
  
Growl.   
  
"I SAID, I summon the Dark Magician!"  
  
Groan.  
  
"I'm coming, I'm coming..." I scrambled out of bed, ran a comb through my hair, jumped into my armor, and stepped through the waiting portal to the dueling field.  
  
A moment and a blast from a certain female Blue-Eyes White Dragon later, I was back in my room, nursing a scorched arm and several bruises.  
  
  
  
"I REALLY have to have a talk with Ryuujin about exactly how much force she puts into those White Lightnings of hers..."  
  
An echo of a triumphant laugh.  
  
"I use Monster Reborn to revive my Dark Magician!"  
  
I groaned and stepped back through the portal.  
  
"Crap. Here we go again."  
  
A few more minutes later, I was back... again.  
  
"Okay, Kaiba's been flattened..... maybe now I can get a shower..."  
  
Off I went to the bathroom. But, no sooner had I finished washing my hair, than...  
  
"I offer my Big Shield Gardna and my Neo the Magic Swordsman for the Dark Magician!"  
  
"SHIT!"  
  
I dove out of the shower, hurriedly shaking my hair out of my eyes. I quickly toweled myself dry, and dove through the portal with my armor all askew.  
  
By the way, I'm Kageri, the Dark Magician. Sorry I didn't introduce myself earlier... you understand, right? Okay, good. Thanks.  
  
Anyway.  
  
The duel was ten minutes long, even though it was against a fangirl, and by the time it had ended, I was drained.   
  
"Seventeen monsters..... I must have torn through that poor girl's entire deck..."  
  
I sighed and peeled off my shoulderguards, dropping them on my bed beside my helmet, then plopping down next to my gear.  
  
"TAKE IT ALL OFF! WOOO!"  
  
A chorus of seventeen female monsters was standing outside my window, yelling this (and similar, less-repeatable things) at me.  
  
I sighed, then turned around and glared at the giggling gaggle of girls. (A.N. That's a lotta G's...)  
  
"Can I PLEASE just relax a little? Preferably WITHOUT you crazy women staring at me!"  
  
Well, that's what I intended to say. Instead, I was forced back to the dueling field- again- without the chance to say a word.  
  
Another ten minute long duel later, this one against one of Malik's goons, I was back in my room, practically dead on my feet. I barely made it to the bed before I collapsed.  
  
"I hate my life."  
  
I had nearly dozed off, armor and all, when... Another triumphant laugh. I hate that stupid laugh. It cuts right through my head.  
  
"I tribute the Mystical Elf and Alpha the Magnet Warrior for the Dark Magician!"  
  
My eyes snapped wide open in silent disbelief, then slid half-shut in resignation.  
  
".....Fuck."  
  
The quiet FWOOSH of the portal went straight through my poor, throbbing head- all I wanted was to knock out whatever puny beast I was up against, get knocked out by something else, and sleep the rest of the day away. If Yami sticks me out against another one of those miserable new duelists and their crappy-ass decks, pharaoh or no pharaoh, I will beat the living shit out of him...  
  
All too soon, I found myself standing on the asphault of the streets of Battle City. Sure enough, my opponent was one of "those stinking n00bs", as I had begun to mentally classify them.   
  
"Dark Magician! Attack his Jinzo #7! Dark Magic Attack!"  
  
I sighed, pushed away the fact that I was seeing two Jinzo #7s where one had stood not thirty seconds before, and blasted the little robot-thing(s) to oblivion. Hmm.... everything's gone all swiiiiirly... Maybe I'll just take a little nap...  
  
When I woke, I was lying on a soft surface, which proved to be a bed. The only light in the room filtered from under the closely-drawn curtains... which was a very, very good thing, considering that I had a migraine that could have knocked out Ryuujin during one of her bitchy fits, and I couldn't have moved to turn any lights off, anyway, as my limbs seemed to have been switched with replicas made of jell-o.  
  
Oh, juuust my luck. Apparently my best friend is the one who brought me here from the dueling field when I conked out. His name is Akuma, he's the Magician of Black Chaos, and when I caught sight of him standing in the doorway, he looked somewhere between pissed off.... and terrified. Akuma does not get scared. Jeez, I must have really looked shitty... A gentle nudge startled me out of my reverie.  
  
"Kageri?"  
  
Yes, it was Akuma, hovering over me like some sort of strange, sexy, male mother hen. Wait, wouldn't that make him a mother cock? Father cock? Whatever. Heh, I just said cock twice, and I meant it in a completely platonic manner... anyway, I love the guy, but he's so overprotective. Really, now.  
  
"Uhh?" Yes, I was incoherent. YOU try fighting random monsters ten hours a day, seventy times a week, on an average of ten to twelve monsters per duel, see how YOU sound afterwards.  
  
"How many times have you been on the field today?"  
  
A pause while I mentally tallied the number.  
  
"Five, I think."  
  
"How long between duels?"  
  
I grinned weakly.  
  
"About two seconds, give or take two seconds."  
  
Akuma spared me a smile.  
  
"Very funny." I grinned back.  
  
"Yeah, I thought so, too."  
  
Akuma inclined his head thoughtfully.  
  
"One more question, then sleep, okay?" He never said any more welcome words... well, ones that were repeatable, anyway.  
  
"Mmm-hmm..." Okay, so I was almost asleep. Can you blame me?  
  
"How many times have you dueled this week?"  
  
I blinked as my exhausted brain processed his question, then shrugged.   
  
"Seventy."  
  
Akuma gave me a shocked look, then rose to his feet and turned to go.  
  
"Where're you going?" Curiosity killed the Dark Magician.   
  
"To take the pharaoh's puzzle and ram it up his anus, then strangle him with his own intestines."  
  
"Too.... much.... information..." Gag. Baaaaaad mental image. BAD. MENTAL. IMAGE.  
  
Wait, wouldn't that kill the pharaoh? And if he kills/maims the pharaoh... let's see. Pharaoh has my card. If said card is destroyed, I die. Pharaoh dies, my card falls to Yugi. Yugi loves the pharaoh. Yugi will want revenge; thus my card will fall to Kaiba, or Jounouchi... Oh, crap. Must stop Akuma. Think, Kageri, think!  
  
...  
  
I can't think of anything I can do that doesn't involve me tackling him to the floor and physically restraining him. Crap. Unless...  
  
I could always try to appeal to that strangely overprotective side of his...  
  
Well, it's worth a shot.  
  
"Hey, wait! Akuma, stop! Think about this for a second!"  
  
Well, he hasn't left... that's good. I think.  
  
"What's there to think about? The pharaoh has a lesson to learn."  
  
Okay, maybe not.   
  
"W-wait! What about Yugi? He hasn't done anything, and you know how much he loves the pharaoh!"  
  
"He'll get over it." He's being awfully cold... Ah well...  
  
That didn't work either... so... here goes nothing. If this doesn't work, the pharaoh's dead, and I'm screwed.  
  
"What about me?"  
  
Stop. Blink. Blink. Watch Akuma trying to figure out what I meant by that statement.   
  
Time to pile on the theatrics.  
  
"Think about it- the pharaoh has my soul card- if you try and hurt him, he could shred it!"  
  
Woah. That stopped him dead. I never knew he could actually go paler than he already is. Time for the final blow to his resolve... forgive me, Akuma, this is for your own good...  
  
"Are you really willing to kill me by trying to chastise the pharaoh for nearly doing so?"  
  
Gack. Air. Akuma currently has me pinned to the bed while he hugs the life out of me... not that I mind, but I DO need air to continue living, and I very much doubt that he wants me dead. So, I will very politely let him know of my need for oxygen by poking him repeatedly in the arm.  
  
...  
  
Methinks the Magician payeth no attention to me. I wouldn't mind.... except for the fact that I think I'm turning blue, and powder blue just looks weird as a skin color. Of course, I have very pale skin, so you can at least tell it's blue on me... wonder what it would look like on Yami no Malik? THAT would be amusing. He's so tan; he'd probably end up looking green or purple or something.  
  
Maybe he'd look orange? Or maybe he'd turn really bright blue, like a blueberry! The possibilities are endless!  
  
Oh-kaysies. I'm going sleepy-bye, now.  
  
...  
  
Well, Akuma says it took him about three minutes to realise I had passed out, and about two minutes more for him to realise that the fact that he was crushing the life out of me was the reason I had passed out. He also says I was out for a good four hours after he let go, and that I had begun to worry him.   
  
We're just both fortunate that I survived. Why? Simple. If he had killed me, I would have haunted him for the rest of his pathetic existance... and if I had died, I would have HAD to haunt him because I wouldn't have anything better to do. Ghosts can't duel, you know. And if they try, they normally end up looking pathetic.  
  
Spirits, however, are a whole other cup of noodles. And, yes, there is a difference. Ghosts are people who died and who couldn't move on. Spirits, on the other hand, are just people who have realized their full potential, which is why they kick so much ass. I'm serious. Have you ever talked to a Yata-Garasu? They're BRILLIANT. And the Asura Priests aren't stupid, either. If I wasn't happy being a magician and having Akuma at my beck and call for wild sex..... erm, forget I said that last bit... I'd be a spirit.  
  
Oh, I rambled a bit, didn't I? Sorry.  
  
Anyway.  
  
I suppose today hasn't been so bad... aside from the fact that my face had a very intimate meeting with the asphault... and I have a headache that is probably going to last out the week... and the eensy-weensy fact that Akuma has sworn up, down, and sideways to kill the pharaoh... once I let him get out of this bed, anyway. (Though that isn't likely to happen soon! I have a rather overactive imagination, after all... And by the time I'm through with him, he'll probably THANK the pharaoh, not strangle him.)  
  
Okay, so today sucked. (And it'll suck worse by tomorrow, but in a good way!)  
  
But what do you expect?  
  
It was, after all, A Day in the Life of the Dark Magician.  
  
My name is Kageri and I am going to sleep now. Oyasumi nasai, minna-san!  
  
~OWARI  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
O.o So, what do ya think? Good? Bad? Indifferent? R&R, let me know what you thought. 


End file.
